As I was at Walmart tonight, I witnessed one of the most bizarre interactions I’ve seen in quite some time. Through it, the Lord clearly spoke to me about another area that causes a high level of anxiety for me, social anxiety. I was able to operate in peace and grace through it.
As I was in the checkout waiting to get up to the register, directly in front of me in line, a woman and her pre-teen daughter were having a very intense discussion over buying some snacks. I won’t go into the dynamics of the conversation since it’s not important, but the peculiar part was just how in tune I was to the dynamics of their relationship. The whole interaction (which lasted about 5 minutes), was wide open for me to see. I understood so much about their relationship, what each one was experiencing, and the role each played.
As I watched them both go back and forth, all I could think was “Jesus, will you give that woman grace for her daughter.” I actually prayed that about 3 different times during the conversation.
During this conversation, I was also worrying about being that nosy shopper watching and listening to the other people’s conversation (this is taboo in a big city; people mind their own business). But I couldn’t help it.
Then it happened. The daughter escalated and started to storm off. But the mother wasn’t having it, she got stern, and of course, the daughter came right back. This for me triggered too much. I reached out for God, and just then, like flood waters, his grace came.
I was so overflowing with peace and love for that woman and her daughter, but it wasn’t a co-dependent longing type of love. I was so at peace about them, and everyone around me. I understood (or to my capacity), God’s mercy and grace for people, which comes directly from his love.
I’ve never been in tune with the general public like I was tonight. I’m always so focused on issues that really connecting with people is the furthest from my mind. I couldn’t help but look around and just understand how much God cares for everyone.
As I walked out of Walmart and into HEB (another grocery store), I continued to look at people all around me. I no longer saw anything but them. No color, or social class, or religion. Just people. And I cared for them all. It was so odd.
Then it made sense what the Lord was showing me. I understood his mercy, how he welcomes everyone, regardless of where we’ve been or what we’ve done. I didn’t see any of the mess that I’m normally so worried about. Just them. This is how the Lord sees us. Our failures don’t phase him at all. Its almost like none of it matters. All are welcomed.
As I heard his heart speaking to me, I then realized another major struggle I have daily with anxiety. I fear people and boundaries; social anxiety. But the key isn’t just being afraid of people and their junk, its being afraid of rejection. After all, hurting people hurt people. So I’ve lived in a constant state of fear, ready for people to hurt me. I hold people away because of this, particularly women.
As I was connected with God’s heart for people, I understood the cure for the anxiety; I was swimming in it. I was so deeply connected with his mercy and grace (which I don’t know if those words really describe well what I felt), and my fear of rejection was transcended.
But the greatest part was then I connected with the Father’s heart for me. As I received his grace for me, I was able to breathe deeply and fully. I was able to have grace for my passions and desires in life. I was able to connect with the will to pursue the deep passions in my heart. Nothing seemed impossible, where before I’ve always waffled back and forth about being able to actually succeed at what I’ve set my hands to. I could actually see myself operating in the capacity I’ve been dreaming about.
We aren’t perfect, but you know, tonight it clicked that we aren’t expected to be. I felt and understood just how welcoming the Father really is to us. How his love transcends all of our faults. I’ve heard you get to experience this love when you have children; its a luxury I haven’t been given. But I have been given the grace to experience this deep love without it.
I’m grateful for tonight. May I (we) grow in grace, peace, mercy, and love for the whole world. But not the conjured kind of cheap grace; the real deep heavenly stuff that comes straight from the heart of the Father.
(to be continued in part 4)
